The number one destroyer of marriages in family businesses is grudges which are built from the accumulation of resentment over time.
Resentment over many little irritations builds and builds to become grudges in a marriage. Grudges then combine to form ‘grudge sludge’ which is sticky murky negativity towards a partner. This is like quicksand sucking couples down into angry misery and they get trapped in it and they need a helping hand to pull them out. It creeps into everyday togetherness and ruins the well-being of a couple. If they work in business together this grudge sludge can take over functionality and permeate every aspect of the business operations.
Grudges don’t stay at the office, they become an inherent part of the relationship overall, destroying camaraderie at home as well. As relationship wellness is destroyed by grudges this severely impacts well-being in life. The answer is to refuse to hold a grudge.
Readers could well be thinking here that this is ridiculous asking themselves how can we not hang onto a grudge when our partner keeps on doing the same thing over and over again, all the time knowing how much it upsets us, won’t change bad behaviour and insists on always being right. Yes, it’s tough to let go of grudges when we feel so annoyed or frustrated by our partner but holding a grudge can only make things worse. Wanting our partner to change, to drop that behaviour before we drop our grudge is like holding a burning hot coal in our hand and expecting our partner to feel the pain. The one who suffers is the one holding the grudge or grudges while our partner may not like the feeling of being on the receiving end of our grudge, he or she most likely won’t be suffering the angst that we are, may not even get what’s upset us so much and has little or no motivation to change when surrounded by grudge sludge.
Now, here’s an important part of this whole area of relationships and willingness to change. Just like any area of life, our motivation to change is driven by our “why” and in relationships it comes down to what kind of relationship we want and what kind of partner we want to be. It’s up to each partner to choose to do better, be better, be the best partner they can be.
At the beginning of our connection we are highly motivated by wanting to be with that special person hence we typically turn on every positive part of us to get that girl or guy. We are motivated to be the best we can be. However, over time as you come to see the imperfections in each other and life’s pressures get in the way, especially with the combination of business and family pressures we become jaded, even complacent and go off our best game. Our beliefs, expectations, and assumptions create emotions and feelings which turn our attention back inwards. Life becomes more about me the individual, about me being right and about what’s upsetting me than what’s upsetting our partner or right for our partner.
Notice I mention here “me being right” or perhaps it’s mainly our partner who has to always be right. If either one typically takes up the “being right” attitude it sends the message that the other partner is wrong, stupid, foolish or not good enough, then grudges are highly likely to develop and stick. If both of you are caught up in “being right” then reciprocal grudges create thicker stickier grudge sludge making life truly miserable.
So, is there a simple answer to prevent grudges building up, and to release a grudge and let it go before it becomes destructive in your relationship? The answer is yes, do a mindset reset. Pause before showing irritation, frame a reply with caring, focus on keeping heartfelt goodwill front and centre intentionally. Keep the end outcome as the intention not on the mini grievance in that moment.
This New Year is the perfect time to say goodbye to grudges, to set the intention of overall goodwill between you. Goodbye grudges.
