We’re living in the age of burnout, in a time where more is expected of us. I’m seeing it in my clients and it’s imprinted in our culture. We’re glamourising exhaustion, and in its wake follows inevitable self-neglect.
When Leah (name changed for privacy) reached out to me, she described feeling drained and as though each day just bleeds into the next. Her life felt like it was lacking something, despite the fact that she has a successful business and a healthy family. Her days were dedicated to obligations with no room for much else.
Is there an underlying habit creating a pattern?
Through my experience as a fitness and lifestyle coach, I’ve come across many clients like Leah who don’t realise that their people-pleasing is actually a symptom of deeper-rooted patterns. Maybe, at some point, dedicating herself to the needs of others felt rewarding but now she just feels drained and uninspired. It’s time for a change!
When you aren’t aware that you’re stuck in a cycle that is fed by your habits, the hopes of breaking free are near-impossible. The more we repeat a pattern, the deeper the groove it carves, like a car driving in circles on a dirt road. Over time, it creates a track, which becomes a pit, and the more we go around, the harder it is to break free.
People-pleasing as a learned response
One of the key things I helped Leah see was that people-pleasing isn’t just a personality trait; it’s often a response developed to avoid conflict or earn validation. Many unknowingly adopt these behaviours from early life experiences, where people-pleasing becomes a survival mechanism.
Leah’s difficulty in setting boundaries wasn’t just about saying yes to everything, it was about not feeling safe enough to say no. She needed a few key strategies to help her recognise her patterns and take back control:
- Mapping the ‘Yes’ trap: I asked Leah to write down every time she said yes during the week, even if it was something small like agreeing to a last-minute coffee catch-up or staying late to finish a report. This visual representation helped her see just how often she was putting other people’s needs ahead of her own.
- The ‘micro-boundary’ challenge: I introduced Leah to what I call micro-boundaries – small, achievable limits she could set without feeling overwhelmed. Instead of aiming for big, bold declarations, she started by politely saying no to minor requests that didn’t align with her priorities. For example, she declined last-minute social invitations and began scheduling downtime for herself in her calendar, treating it as a non-negotiable appointment.
- Rewriting the story of ‘no’: Leah’s biggest fear was that saying no would make people think less of her. She learned how to say no with a few key phrases like:
- “I can’t fit that in right now, but I’d love to do it with you in the future. Can I let you know when it will suit me?”
- “I’d love to help, but I’m not the best person for this. Have you considered asking [another person or resource]?”
- “I need some time to think this over before committing. Can I get back to you?”
Final thoughts
It is important to find ways to say no while making you feel you’re still that kind person without compromising on your own needs. Leah highlighted these options because they still communicated care and consideration for the situation. They were non-combative but still firm.
Becoming aware of the patterns you’ve created in your life is the first and biggest step. Often, it takes an outsider to help you identify them. Then, it’s a matter of defining the habits you may not even realise you have, and rooting out the ones that need replacing.
In the words of Brene Brown: “It takes courage to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol”.
