As a leader you spend 80 per cent of your time in conversation. Many leaders severely underestimate both the power of good quality conversation in getting things done and improving performance…and also how very ordinary we are at it. Here are five myths about business conversations that need to be busted!
Myth 1: I am good at communication and conversations
Conversation is a skill and an art and very few of us are taught how to use conversation to get the very best from the brains of others. Our role models and habits, not to mention the pressure of time and energy also mean that we resort to “telling and instruction” as the predominant means of communication over a work day. The brain does not like being told what to do – even when an individual asks you to “tell.” When people are told or instructed – even if they ACCEPT and ACT ON the instruction, they will not OWN the outcomes.
Myth 2: What people say is the truth
Truth in itself is a myth. There is my truth, and your truth, and the version of truth that makes sense. People lie, for all the right reasons. Cognitive bias colours and filters the truth. Our past experiences and behaviours create the unique “wiring” that drives future behaviour, and it’s not always based on an objective reality.
Myth 3: People know what they want
When I begin a coaching engagement, more often than not my “coachee” arrives with their clearly documented “Three goals” that they wish to achieve from the coaching. It usually only takes about 20 minutes to uncover that beneath those goals are some very different goals. We tend to think and exist on our “surface” and it takes effort and skill to help people to delve beneath the surface to find out what people really want and need. But if you can, the rewards are plentiful.
Myth 4: Emotion is destructive
We avoid emotion, particularly emotion that we categorise as “negative.” There is no such thing as positive or negative emotion, it is our interpretation of emotion that categorises them. It is much more useful to view emotion as valuable data that can guide us to know the truth (see Myth 2) of what is going on for us. Learn to embrace and regulate emotion rather than avoid and suppress it.
Myth 5: Conflict is not productive
Conflict (in its useful form) is not only productive but necessary. I prefer to refer to conflict as Deliberate Debate and I specifically teach this in my Rewired Teams programs. If your meetings are a round robin of “sharing” updates, then you are either missing a great opportunity for creative thinking and problem solving, or simply wasting precious time. The process of challenging and stretching our own thinking and the thinking of others – of not accepting at face value what is put forward (see Myth 2) and of leveraging off the thinking of others is the critical missing piece in many teams.
Michelle Loch, communications and leadership expert in the neuroscience of human motivation, powerful conversation and self-leadership
